Wiccan Whirlpool

Our last No One Dies Alone training class was yesterday.  We talked a little bit about what the volunteers should do and where we go to find stuff.  The last three of us shared our death stories.

I spoke about my father’s death and the fact that I was not there.  We had such a poor relationship that when my mom called to tell me he was dead my first thought was “he did this on purpose.”  You see, it was three days before my 30th birthday and I was pregnant with my second child.  Dad simply had to be the center of my mother’s attention, and I figured that she had probably been talking a lot about grandchild #3 and my impending decade change.  So he took her to work and kept her brand new car for the day and proceeded to fall asleep at the wheel on the way home, T-Bone a truck and killed himself.  I still think he was either over-drugged or drunk.  So I buried my dad on my 30th birthday after flying halfway across the country at the last minute with my 15-month-old, my husband, and my pregnant self.  It’s hard to say I miss him because for the last ten years he had barely been present, even when he was physically there.

I admit I’m still a little honked-off about the whole thing.  Now every birthday I get to remember my dad’s funeral.  Yipee!  It’s fair to say I’m still sad, too.  Dad and I were a lot alike and it’s a shame that he worked so hard to destroy our relationship and never tried to heal it.  It hurts to think about the fact that my own dad didn’t care enough about me to care that he hurt me so badly or so often or to say he was sorry.

Lately he’s tried to contact me.  I don’t think I’m prepared to deal with that, nor do I feel like letting him get off that easy.  I don’t know where he’s been for the last two and a half years, but it hasn’t been Here.  He’d like to say something now, but frankly I’m in the middle of making dinner and I don’t have the time or inclination for going into a trance just for him.  Whatever it is it can wait.

Maybe the next time I go to visit my uncle I’ll set aside some time for him.