Wiccan Whirlpool

As I walked into class yesterday our instructor was telling the group about a Hebrew myth that essentially says that in the beginning god was everywhere, but in order for creation to happen he had to make space and so he withdrew.  This was a teaching she finds useful and representative of how you must be in order to serve the dying.  In order to be there for them you must withdrawal from the immediacy and emotionality of the situation.  While I believe that I understand what she means I do not agree that this is a Truth.  The Mystery that leads to Truth is that the Infinite Unknowable First Cause cannot cease to be infinite and is therefor present in Its creation.  It has not withdrawn from us but made space within Itself to encompass us.  This is selflessness–though saying that is in and of itself an oxymoron.  I suppose rather that it is self-fullness, but that’s a difficult word (if it is actually a word) and an unusual concept for western minds.

Withdrawing is not the answer.  We must make sufficient space within our Self to allow for the experience of the dying person.  This is an act of adding something, not taking it away.  We also have infinte room within our selves if we are willing to work to find it.  In this way we are like to god.

Otherwise session three was like a big group therapy session and it was very interesting.  We went around the room taking turns sharing an experience we had or didn’t get to have with a dying person.  The last three of us didn’t have time to share our stories but we will be given time for that next week.  It’s an interesting mix of people with an interesting set of stories to share.  Some were about parents and grandparents, both positive and negative experiences.  Two people shared stories about premature babies that had died in their presence.  All of the stories were quite touching.  It was an interesting strategy to use.  By having us share our pain and our joys we each learned and grew as a person and in emotional strength from the sharing.

My sincerest hope is that I will learn much from the dying.  Not only for my own benefit, but to have something to give back to the Pagan community as well.   

Today is Columbus Day, a mostly bugus federal holiday that celebrates Christopher Columbus getting lost on his way to India and nearly getting thrown overboard but not quite and landing on an island just south of Florida to bring Syphiliis, Measles, and Small Pox to the Native population.  Being that it is a federal holiday I don’t have to fo to work at the bank.  So instead I chose to get my hospital volunteer orientation under my belt.  The result was one long-ass day.

I got my kids to daycare about ten and then went right to orientation.  The hospital is expanding so everything is a diaster.  Almost unbelievably I managed to find a spot on the first floor of the new parking deck and caught a shuttle that was just leaving for the main entrance.  Class began at 10:30 AM and I arrived right on time.  For two hours we fiulled out forms and were lectured on HIPAA, universal precaution, and what I can only think of as common sense customer service.  Whereas at NODA training I’m the youngest by maybe ten years here I felt down right infantile.  The room was full of truly ancient women who are no doubt quite eager to help out in the numerous gift shops to while away some of their retirement time.  After two hours we were given meal tickets for lunch.  I was highly impressed with the hospital cafeteria.  After lunch I still had half an hour to kill before I could get my TB test done, so I got my picture taken for my volunteer ID and then went to visit our NODA instructor in her office.  We chatted, and then I hoofed it over to the Employee Health department to get stuck for the test.  When I finally left the hospital it was 2:15, and I had just enough time to get some gas and get to my doctor’s appointment. After that I rushed out to the grocery and then I picked up my kids at about 5pm, came home and started supper.  I’m just now getting to sit down.  So much for a day “off!”

Tomorrow I have an early meeting and then NODA class again.

whew…

Star and Spiral had our full moon ritual on Friday night.  It was really a good time.  It took us a bit to get the energy flowing but after a few inutes we met with great success.  I must say, I’m looking forward to a time when one of my students will be willing to lead so I can “just” participate though.  I haven’t attended a ritual that I didn’t lead for about six years I think.  It’ll also be good when everyone is a little more comfortable with the process, though everyone who’s been attending has caught on really quickly.  Friday was a first ritual for one member.  The last open full moon was a first ritual for another member.  We even had a guest participant/observer who was there gathering information for her theology class–so I guess that means there were two complete newbies.

Being a priestess is a lot of work, but it’s also a whole lot of fun.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested and qualified!

I’ve really been putting a lot of thought into this over the last several days and I think I finally put my finger on some of what was bothering me.  First, one of the ideas that the chaplain was pushing is that god loves everyone.  It makes me sound like an ass to say that I don’t really believe that, but then again I don’t believe that the Great Unknowable First Cause has much in the way of feeling in general.  Spirit seeks attunement with Spirit, I’ll give you that much.  The Divine in us calles to the Divine without.  Perhaps you can call that love.  Most people probably don’t really think that through so deeply.  But when you meet someone for the first time on their deathbed how can you judge them at all for good or ill?  Maybe what they’re headed for is a well-deserved peace and reunion with loved-ones, and maybe it isn’t.  Maybe they’ve worked really hard their entire life preparing their very own little hell and they’re distressed because they know it’s coming.  What good will it do to tell them that god loves them at that point?

Along that train of thought–the chaplain spoke about her experience with an elderly man who was dying alone on her watch.  The man had a son who had been estranged for many years, and when he knew he was dying he tried to call him but the son wouldn’t return his calls.  Here is this person, she said, who is reaching out in his final hours and getting no response.  You’d think, she said, that at this time the son could have set aside their differences and come to his father to see him one last time. Supposedly, the reason this doesn’t happen is that people fear the emotions such a reunion might bring out.  While she admirably seeks to not judge the dying person she very obviously is passing a kind of judgement on the son in this story.  What if the father was such an evil person in life that the only way the son could continue was to leave him forever behind and move on?  We must remember that if we’re going to offer compassion to one party we must offer compassion to the other.  Sometimes the only way to forgive a person who has done you terrible hurt is to remove that person from your life forever and as entirely as possible.

Tomorrow I’m going in for volunteer orientation.  That’ll be two hours or so.  Woohoo!

Yesterday was our second training session for NODA-No One Dies Alone. We talked about the movie “Wit” that we had watched in the previous section, and we talked about what we can expect to encounter in regards to the behavior and symptoms of a person who is dying.  Next time we’re supposed to find out more about what we actually do while we’re there at the bedside, and each person who is willing will have time to share an experience they’ve had with a dying person.  It almost seems like I’m the odd one out here, because I have never yet been near anyone who is in the dying process.  I haven’t even been witness to any of my pets when they’ve died.  Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I’m seeking out this experience.  I know I need to learn about it before I’m blind-sided by it.

I do find that I feel like an outsider at times.  The woman teaching the class is a hospital chaplain, and it seems very obvious that this woman is a Christian of some denomination.  She spoke a lot about talking about God with the dying people she’s attended.  While I realize that many of these people probably were also Christian I found that it made me a little uncomfortable.  Usually I’m not uncomfortable around other spiritual people who are simply making an honest religious expression, so I’m wondering why this bothered me the way it did.  Maybe it’s because I feel like dying is such a personal and private thing.  And maybe it’s because I have trouble justifying speaking of articles of faith that are unverifyable even to offer comfort.  However, I also know that I have no experience with the dying, and maybe it’s a justifyable practice as long as you aren’t actually pushing a particular religious belief.

There’s just so much to learn.