Wiccan Whirlpool

It’s really weird.  Yesterday I kind of had this epiphany, which is only akin to the one I had about why I had so much trouble functioning outside of an abusive situation.  It’s like the second half of the equation of my life, and another huge, obvious insight into my own psyche.  Another reason to have good therapists in the world, and another shame I never found one.

Never in my life have I had a truly long-term goal.  I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.  For most people this isn’t a massively huge issue.  They pick something and just do it, or it’s picked for them and they just do it.  But me?  Nope.  I tried that.  I even tried a second time and found something I really liked and that I was good at.  Of course, I had to quit trying to achieve that goal because of circumstances beyond my complete control.  I could have tried harder, but I don’t think teaching ever called to my soul.  Going to school that time was another escape from an intolerable present in a long series of escapes and rest periods.  First was home.  Moving out of my parents’ house was my first escape.  When I got out I was in turmoil and could barely function.  Along came a first marriage: my second escape.  My job became intolerable, so I went back to school.  The marriage became intolerable, so I got a divorce.  Trail of disaster behind me?  Give up and move away.

I completely lucked into my present marriage.  Happy to be alone and free, I stumbled into a man who makes a wonderful life-partner.  I found a job I could stand.  But when I couldn’t stand it anymore I went and found another job.  Being childless became intolerable, so we remedied that.  Then the job started to get tiresome and I thought about going back to school again…but that didn’t work out.  Hubby went back to school and I felt I was left holding the bag.  Job went from tiresome to intolerable so again, I found another.  Add another baby, husband struggling with school and working nights, leaving me to raise two kids…I managed for three years, then I blew up.  I knew I wanted to go back to school and besides, work was pretty much–you guessed it–intolerable.  Hubby quit school, I found another new job (oh how well *that* worked out!), and started school part-time.

I changed my major AGAIN.  For the record, I started as an anthropology major.  Then I was a biology major, then undecided, then the second trip I was a science ed major with concentrations in life science and earth-space science.  I almost changed to a geology major, but thought I should come out with a degree that would get me a tolerable job.  After several years and my work as a minister and my volunteer service in the hospital I realized that teaching was something I really enjoy, but I didn’t feel like it was my life work.  If I had my “d’ruthers” I’d be a full-time minister.  Wiccan ministers don’t *get* paid, no matter how qualified.  So what, oh what, would be the closest profession to full-time ministry without being a full-time, paid minister?  A counselor.  So now I’m a psychology major.  But I’ve spent the last few weeks completely stressed in spite of this decision.  I have to start applying to graduate school very soon, but where to apply, and what for?  Exactly what specialty to I want to pursue?  Again with the school system, and environment with which I am very familiar.  The university I attend offers a Master of Education in School Counseling that also offers certification and licensure as a therapist.  Cool.

So why don’t I feel like I’ve found the “way?”  It’s acceptable but it isn’t screaming to me.  I started looking into PhD programs, figuring if I had to go three or four years part-time at night to get a masters and I could get a PhD in 5 years during the day , why not do it?  But I wasn’t sure about being a school psychologist because I want to actively help people through therapy, not just test troubled kids and coordinate IEPs.  And can I even get into a selective PhD program at this point?  So back to the idea of a Masters, but to be a glorified class scheduler or a therapist without the option of being a glorified class scheduler?  I mean, the benefits of working in a public school system are obvious.  Summers off, long winter vacation, no or few weekends and nights, and retirement benefits.  But it’s rote.  In a way, you always know what’s coming, and I seem to have about a 3-year threshold for the predictable.  So I’m in search mode.  Internet searching, soul searching…

Yesterday was different.
If you’re reading this you probably already know about my volunteer work with dying people.  Yesterday I read a NYTimes article about morphine use and palliative care in India and other parts of the world.  It got me thinking about applications for psychology in palliative care.  I found that they *are* using psychologists as part of interdisciplinary palliative care teams.  The VA has a post-doc fellowship, the closest of which is in NJ.  UCSF has an online palliative care post-graduate certificate program.  And if using your skills and education to aid the terminally ill and dying and their families at the last stages of life isn’t ministering, then what on earth is???  For the first time ever I have a real life-goal.  I study and go to class not just to succeed for the sake of getting it done and boosting my ego by being academically successful, but because getting my degree *in psychology* is an integral part of who I want to be and the ultimate goal I want to achieve.  The scary thing now is knowing that I may have to find more than one route to get there.  I am reasonably confident that my GRE scores will be very good, but my previous college GPAs are not great.  Better than 2.0, but not above a 3.0.  And I’m not sure that even 30-odd credits at 4.0 will bring up the whole mess if schools take an average, even though those credits are now quite old with even the youngest approaching ten years past.  But I’m willing to get a masters first if that will help, as well as taking time to complete a few credits of CPE and becoming credentialed through them to make myself more attractive to a doctoral program.  Once it comes down to it I’m hoping that my new-found passion and resolve for this goal will shine through and make me stand out as a candidate.

It’s nice, very nice, to have a real direction and a sense of purpose.