was rather short and shallow as it was an off-the-cuff response to two incidents that happened in
a rather short period of time. I was relatively new and inexperienced as a Wiccan but I was a
married woman in my twenties. At that time I was pouring a lot of my energy into the online
community, trying to find like-minded folk to converse with, someone to teach me, and trying to
uncover all the information I could about this religion I was now calling my own. I had it all—
AIM, YIM, ICQ—and I was very public about when I was online and what my interests were.
Sometimes it was a lot of fun, and I managed to meet a lot of great people. There were also plenty
of weirdos. The first incident was when a young girl contacted me through one of my messenger
services. She found me on some email group somewhere. I think she must’ve been about 14, and
while I’ve never made a habit of conversing with unknown minors online, her question
concerned me enough to respond. She said she was a little concerned about a guy that was
talking to her online because all he wanted to talk about was sex, and she wasn’t really sure if she
was ready for that yet, but he told her that she couldn’t be Wiccan without being sexually active.
The second incident, not long after, was a guy who also found me and decided that he wanted to
talk about how much he just LOVED being naked. Did I like being naked? Did I do ritual in the
nude? Could I tell him all about it? Two in a row left me shaking my head, so I wrote a little
piece aimed at telling the newest of the new and the very young that you don’t have to have sex
with anyone to be a Wiccan, and if somebody is telling you that you should run away from them
NOW.
Like a lot of people who came into Wicca during the Internet “boom” that started in the late 90’s
I became fairly quickly disillusioned with the online community as a whole and decided to retreat
to a comfortable little corner that I could call my own. I figured out that it was advantageous to
“hide” when I chose to use my messenger services, and that I didn’t need to be a member of every
list/community/networking site available that bore the name “Wiccan.” The result is that I was
able to stay sane, but I was also a little removed from the greater community—especially the
newbies in search of info. The topic of sex still came up though. A woman found my message
board and asked, as a concerned mother, if Wiccans approved of incest. That one sent me on a
search. I had no idea where anyone would get the idea that we do this unless it was part of the
sermon of some fundy screaming from the pulpit and it was included in a tirade about us eating
babies and sacrificing black cats. Lo and Behold! I found my source—Gavin and Yvonne Frost’s
book The Witch’s Bible. I have no idea if they still teach that parents should assist in the
deflowering of their virgin children, but at one point they obviously did. That sent me over to
Amazon, where I believe you can still find my review of the book if you dig a little.
It’s been a while since I’ve had anyone address me about this specifically, but I know that the
place of sex in Wicca must still be an issue that has some people wondering. The fact that I
recently tossed someone from my coven for making up a bunch of titles and telling a young
woman he could “make all her dreams come true” leads me to believe that there are still predators
out there and it’s up to all of the rest of us to keep our community as safe as possible, both online
and off.
One of the most common mistakes a Pagan neophyte makes, especially those who come from
abusive religious backgrounds, is assuming that all Pagans are more moral, more spiritual, more
knowledgeable, more honest and trustworthy people than those of their former faith. Wouldn’t
that be great? If no Pagan, Wicca, Heathen, etc had ever been out just to make a buck by telling
lies, outright theft, or possibly worse we’d all be that much happier. While we can all wish that
the above things were true of everyone in our communities they patently aren’t. And while those
who openly speak out about false history, bad information, and the all-around nasty people it
seems like we don’t see or hear a lot of very frank information regarding sex in our religion.
Especially for the young and for the new to Wicca, please let me tell you this: your sexuality is
yours alone. Just because many Wiccans are open about their own sexuality and accepting of the
many and varied expressions of human sexuality in general does not mean that YOU must have
sex to be a Wiccan. You don’t even have to be naked to be a Wiccan. Yes, there are some groups
who practice “skyclad,” or in the nude. There are at least as many groups who don’t, so if you
are uncomfortable with nudity find one of those. I would say that there are very few Wiccan
groups who practice sexual rites involving all of the members, and if they do that’s their
prerogative, but I doubt that they would tell you this is the only way to be Wiccan. And if they
are moral people they certainly wouldn’t be inviting a minor to join them. If someone tells you
that you must have sex with him or her to truly be Wiccan or to make the student/teacher
relationship stronger AT BEST this person is terribly misguided and most likely he or she is
simply a predator and sees you as prey. Please don’t fall into that trap. If you’re under age and
someone tries to solicit sex from you please go immediately to a trusted adult and report the
incident. Just because you didn’t fall for it doesn’t mean that somebody younger and less wise
won’t. Young, old, or in-between, you are not less Wiccan for refusing such advances nor are
you a traitor to your faith for reporting something illegal, dangerous, or both. The only thing
that keeps some people from doing bad things is the fear of getting caught.
What I want to make clear to the Wiccan community of all ages is that NO ONE has the right to
your sexuality but you. The fact that you are Wiccan does not mean that you are expected to
accept sexual advances of any sort, nor does it mean you are expected to be promiscuous.
Sexuality is a sacred thing and it is yours alone.
So in practical terms, what does this mean? It means that being a real Wiccan doesn't have
anything to do with letting someone take advantage of you. It means you can follow your heart
and your gut, and it means you can tell people to buzz off and feel no guilt. Who you
communicate with in RL and on the web is your decision alone. You should never feel obligated to
continue speaking to someone simply because they share or claim to share your faith. It's also
important to remember that you don't have to like everyone for the same reason. WHAT?? Yes
folks, that’s right. You don’t have to like someone, talk to them, or hang out with them just
because they say they share your religion. Just because you chose a new religion doesn’t mean
you’ve lost the right to choose your friends. If your religion makes all of those decisions for you—
who you can talk to, be friends with, how you dress, who you have sex with—it isn’t a religion,
it’s probably a CULT. Cults don’t want you to think for yourself. Cult leaders do not want you
to think for yourself, they want to control you for some kind of personal gain. A Wiccan leader
will want you to think for yourself. The (real) Wiccan friends you make will want the same
thing. Those of us who are real Wiccans find those people who can’t think for themselves to be
terribly boring company.
Don't be afraid to tell someone you don’t like not to contact you again. You don’t have to be
nice about it, it’s far more important that you make yourself clear. You can tell someone who
gives you the creeps to get lost, to leave you alone, and/or not contact you again. If you feel
threatened by someone in real life or on the Internet please contact someone you trust, don't keep
it private. Action can be taken, and we all deserve to be safe. And remember how to use the
ignore/block address functions on your message programs and email. Above all, be smart when
meeting new people. It’s really a lot of fun to meet with groups in real life, especially when you
may have been previously limited to the Internet for interaction with other Pagans. But don't
meet in private, bring your own transportation, and don't give your address or phone number
until you believe that you’ve established that the people that you’ve met are worthy of your trust.
Stay safe!
